Maintaining Optimism in the Face of Reality. Occasional observations on the state of the world, society, business and politics. Usually anchored by facts, always augmented by opinion.

How Ike Would Handle Iraq  | e-mail post

No, not former President and NATO Supreme Commander Dwight Eisenhower, silly. I'm talking about Ike Turner. If he weren't apparently such a bastard, I'd almost feel sorry for the guy. I would really hate to have my name equated for all time with wife-beating.

Back to why I'm writing. I think you'll get a good laugh out of this item from McSweeney's: "Ike Turner's Guide to Restoring America's Honor." I've quoted more than I usually do just because it really is pretty funny.
OK, America, you done fucked up again. Things got a little out of hand, and you went and blew up another country. Now you got everybody all mad at you, and you don't know what to do. Well, don't worry, America. Ike's been down this road before, and I know exactly how to handle it. You better listen to what I'm telling you, America. Ike knows what he's talking about, and Ike's willing to help you out as long as you do exactly what Ike says and stop being so stubborn. You dig?

Step 1

OK, first things first, America. Stop smacking the bitch. I know sometimes you get caught up in the heat of the moment and you don't know when you've gone too far. Sometimes you just get so mad sometimes. I know you tried to warn Iraq. You told Iraq to stop provoking you. But Iraq wouldn't listen. Iraq was being stubborn and ignorant, and you had to teach Iraq a lesson. Now Iraq's all beaten and bruised and bleeding everywhere, fucking up the good carpet. It's time to chill the fuck out, America. You don't wanna kill Iraq. You just wanna show Iraq how much you love it. It's just sometimes you go a little crazy is all.
It just gets better, read the rest at McSweeney's. Ken McIntyre wrote this bit, and you can visit his website too see his art, animation and design.

e-mail post | Link Cosmos | [Permalink]  |  | Wednesday, August 18, 2004
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